Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just high enough for therapy.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
