so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
