They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Randomize
