Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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