well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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