Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
