If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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