i always forget guys have bellybuttons
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You can't just leave with hair like that
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
