i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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