No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
