All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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