in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
