One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
