Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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