i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
