last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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