I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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