He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
