dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
