Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
