his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
