i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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