I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
