I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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