i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
