i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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