fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
