The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
