How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
