my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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