my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
