dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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