1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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