Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
