i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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