he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
