so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
