Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
