I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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