I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
