Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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