shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
