Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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