If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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