He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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