No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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