I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Randomize
