He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
