My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Operation Purity has been aborted
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
