Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Holy shit dude........stairs
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
