We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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