I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
