I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Actions speak louder than pants.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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