I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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