Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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