tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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