He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she looked like the before picture.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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