he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
