Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
